Back the hell up
Gimme likkle space!!!
As a former queen of oversharing and free access to all, I have earned the right to talk about boundaries.
I wear on my sleeve badges of embarrassment and heartbreak that I have learned from. Yet, some days I remember some of those moments and I still feel ashamed.
In a previous blog post, I spoke about the lifelong commitment to healing and health and I pull on that reference again because it will always be relevant. Today I am talking about that hammer I keep dropping on myself at each cringe-worthy memory- man, is it just me or they are a lot?
Breathe.
I am not sure what it will take for me to completely let it go and step away from that pride. I must always give myself grace and forgive that young dysfunctional version of myself.
Thing is, I misplaced my value. Instead of acting in wisdom from the initial stages, which would have been the preventative measure, or forgiving and adjusting, which can either be seen as corrective, responsive or even the reactive measure, I simply forgave.
If you were waiting on the “[forgave]... and forgot” you are ridiculous. So was I, thinking I had forgiven and forgotten without even unpacking or sorting the issue.
That’s where the misplacement came in. I prided myself on being able to love unconditionally despite what you did, how you/it made me feel and how I felt because of my triggers. That’s what made me extraordinary as an instrument of love.
Ironically, I didn’t love or value myself enough to know that it was okay to revoke some people’s access to me and mine or simply just prevent some people from stepping in or stepping in as fast.
It is this realignment with my inner god that helps me to balance my emotions towards broken friendships. Trust me, I still love you, I really do, but I value and love myself more.
I think all the time about our spiritual design- how we were made to love, but I understand fallen nature. So, most times I am just sad that you, or me in my antagonistic trances, was not able to fight back and exercise love and Truth. I feel alone with this thought but 100 per cent connected to it.
In my relapse moments, which I fully embrace, I send messages with mutual friends: “tell her *someone* loves her immensely.”
Honestly, I still think about you, I still pray for your peace of mind and success, I still love you. But I can’t…
I can’t have an active relationship with you, I can’t see you today, I can’t respond to your text message or come to the phone, I can’t give you my heart without protection.
Funny how the most life-altering heartbreaks can come from platonic friendships. Funny how strong and unapologetic I am about what I deserve and allow, especially in romantic relationships/interactions now.
I just can’t. Back the hell up and respect my boundaries. In every way, I have graduated from your regular rum and Pepsi.
Top Shelf!
That’s not just empowering, it’s rewarding. It’s stable and healthy. It gives the same sort of high as an early morning work out-it wakes me up each time, gets me pumping, makes me feel refreshed, and leaves me in results-oriented pain at a rate that's based on my consistency. (I just love a sore muscle, lol)
My sweetest contents are reserved for a safe space. No, I am storing up my treasures and hiding them away, I am making sure they are not robbed, abused, ignored, misused or exploited.
Trust, many won’t like it and that is okay.
-X
See you next time, because the journey never stops.