Flickering Hope
I stopped writing because I did not like what was coming out. I thought it was sad and gloomy-solemn almost. I could be fooled into thinking that is my tone as a writer but I am praying for light and joyous pieces.
That's my preamble.
It is because I wanted to bring something light and airy next but this is my journey and that's not what is happening with me now.
For that, I'm kinda stunned too. I'm okay, very okay but I'm also kinda dealing with "something" right now.
The thing is, some things have been surfacing recently due to something else and it's tripping me up because I did not know I was walking around subconsciously feeling and being this way.
On top of that, I had a therapy session today that jacked me up 😤 and I was crying on the inside… until I got home, did some chores and then I wasn't anymore and burst out crying.
Why?
Because it's hard to always keep choosing better, it's hard to always keep going and fighting. As I said to the good sis (my therapist), I feel like I am moving forward but I am not moving up and this has nothing to do with material things and success but everything to do with my mental, more so emotional state. And this is only so because of one thing I am battling with that keeps surfacing in different ways. Funny enough, I didn't realise that until during today's session.
I realised that there is a part of myself that I have not been connecting with. I write this now at 10:42 pm and my soul imagines her to be that little girl. I see her frolicking, barefooted, free and having fun and then I see her suffering in the wait- the wait for me to come back to her. It sucks really that I have abandoned me, the me with the light- traded her, if I must, for easier.
I really cried when I phoned an old friend and immediately experienced something "familiar". This person, and this seldom conversation as I allowed it, had so much of that little girl tied to them.
For those minutes, in between sobs, I connected with her through that conversation (I just listened to *censored* talk about literal random things that's been happening in the country, lol).
I wish I had something more glamorous to share. But that's it right now and I aim to be faithful to this blog and my journey. So, yes I could have written this in my journal but I did what I felt like.
Personally, as I go through this, I find that it is important for me to have people around that have an appreciation, at the very least, for this journey and just how therapy could leave you needing a minute.
It's not fun to pretend like you are okay after sucking honey from the carcass😕
Some days this is just what it looks like on this #journeyFromSkintoSoul.