Updated: Aug 30, 2021
I love and embrace all versions and aspects of myself. Not because I am all perfect or oblivious to my flaws, but because of the very cliché reason, that is, all versions of myself- the hurt traumatized little girl, the confused self ignorant teen, the struggling young adult- have made me who I am and put me where I am today.
After much turmoil, I had some years of really loving myself, like being in love with me. I keep thinking about how much I loved myself then. At that time, I was also so in love with God, and so in love with life.
This is the full circle living I keep thinking about: one aspect or facet, (the social and personal) impacting the other (the spiritual), and the latter influencing the first.
Those days I clung to dearly.
Those feelings I got, from that state of being, glorified as a memory.
That nostalgia made my life hell, to be honest. I was no longer that same person, but I wanted to feel the same way and have the same outlook and approach to life.
Inevitably, as the cycle of life dictates it, I was changing and this brought interpersonal and intra-personal conflict as I wrestled with living my best life through a dead version of me.
But, the dead and the living have no share and part, right?
Mourning is always painful but most times more painful at first. Notably, there are different stages of grief.
Though you will eventually learn to live with the loss, it's always hard to let go and readjust to life without the familiar.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
I still miss those things I adored about that bouncing back from failure, dating SJ, freshly baptized, 1st year of Uni Jonielle.
But Jah, one day I got a good laugh at myself. A belly-jerking laughter that was followed by me shaking my head was warranted by the realisation that "more was less".
The days I thought I was at my pique, beaming in love and peace were really the faintest of me, and my understanding of what it really means to be in love and at peace.
The seasons of grief that disrupted that euphoria brought me into a deeper understanding.
They rewarded me with accolades of wisdom and insight and introduced me to a more realistic and wholesome love and practical unwavering peace.
Soooo, old me? Ewww. #journeyfromskintosoul
Until next time, because the journey never ends.